Listologies: christmas

So, now that I have those pesky end of the year lists taken care of, I am going to spend the rest of this lovely year, up until xmas at least, finding the holiday songs. Some of these are going to be originals, some are going to be reinterpretations, but all are going to fan-f'n-tastic, Christmas style.

Tonight, we take a jaunt up to Canada, and join The Oh Wells celebrating A Very Minimum Wage Christmas. This song attacks whimsy like it was their bitch, and makes an all new holiday genre, Bitter Happy Christmas songs! And I think it is a category we are desperately missing these holidays. Thanks for filling the void, The Oh Wells.

Fa la la la la la la. Fa la la la la la la.

"A Very Minimum Wage Christmas" by The Oh Wells

I think I have a broader definition of “Christmas Movies” than my co-blogger Stevie. If you look at her list, which I suggest that you do, because it is both really good and incredibly wrong, you will notice some glaring differences. For example, all her movies are about Christmas, while some of mine use Christmas as the backdrop to a non-holiday story. I still consider those to be Christmas movies, and some of the best in the genre.

I hope you enjoy. Best Christmas moments below, thanks to IMDB.

13. Bad Santa

Kid: Your beard's not real.
Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How come?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Willie: No it was her sister.

12. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack Skellington: [singing] And on a dark cold night, under full moonlight, he flies into the fog like a vulture in the sky!
[in a deeper tone]
Jack Skellington: And they call him, Sandy... Clawssss...!

11. Gremlins

Kate: Now I have another reason to hate Christmas.
Billy Peltzer: What are you talking about?
Kate: The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.

10. Miracle on 34^th Street

Fred Gailey: Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Governent, recognizes this man Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus.
Judge Henry X. Harper: Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed.

9. Home Alone

Kevin McCallister: This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And in a few years time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

8. Edward Scissorhands

Kim: Before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterwards, it did. I don't think it would be snowing now if he weren't still up there. Sometimes you can still catch me dancing in it.

7. Go

Simon Baines: They can't evict you on Christmas! Then you'd be ho-ho-homeless!

And

Todd: What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
Claire: ...I don't know.
Todd: You wanna get laid?
Claire: No.
Todd: No, you don't wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid - with me?

6. A Christmas Story

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears

5. Love Actually

Mark via signs: With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark via signs: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this.
[picture of a mummy]
Mark via signs: Merry Christmas.

4. Scrooged

Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.

3. Die Hard

[Reading what McClane wrote on the dead terrorist's shirt]
Hans Gruber: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."

2. Elf

Buddy: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas Carol.
Jovie: No way.
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.
Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
Buddy: No there's not. Wait...
[Starts singing loud and off-key]
Buddy: I'm singing/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!
Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!
Buddy: Yes there is!
Gimbel's Manager: No there's not!
Buddy: We sing all the time!
Gimbel's Manager: No you don't!
Buddy: Especially when we build toys!
[Back to Jovie]
Buddy: See?

1. It’s a Wonderful Life

George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.
[it begins to snow again]
Bert: [shouts] Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?
George Bailey: Now get outta here, Bert, or I'll hit you again! Get outta here!
Bert: What the sam hill you yellin' for, George?
George Bailey: You...
[suddenly stunned]
George Bailey: George... Bert? Do you know me?
Bert: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over town trying to find you. I saw your car plowed into that tree down there and I thought maybe you - hey, your mouth's bleeding. Are you sure you're all right?
George Bailey: What the...
[licks the corner of his lip and checks his mouth with his hand]
George Bailey: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My mouth's bleeding, Bert! My mouth's bleeding! Zuzu's petals... Zuzu...
George Bailey: [checking his pocket] There they are! Bert, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!