Top 10 Worst New Years Resolutions

>> Saturday, January 3, 2009

So as it is January 3rd most people have already broken their New Years Resolutions. I was reading an article by Albrecht Powell on About.com of the top 10 most popular new years resolutions and in response this is my ode to the worst new years resolutions. Enjoy! -Stevie
1. According to some poll or another number 1 on most peoples resolutions list is to spend more time with friends and family. I say go it one step better. Start showing up at strangers family gatherings and pretend you are family. Saves time and money if you live far away from your own. Plus usually family gatherings have free food. Avoid having to explain yourself by excusing yourself from conversation whenever someone approaches. Good excuses to have ready: you've got a huge case of explosive diarrhea, you have a very contagious disease, you recently became allergic to other people, you're drunk and about to vomit...
2. Perhaps not surprising - exercise is up there on most peoples resolution list. But really how long does that really last? You might as well resign yourself now to the '09 inevitable weight gain and start a more realistic goal- consider everything exerise! How many reps did you do while picking up that burger and bringing it to your pie-hole? How many laps did you go walking to the fridge for a swig of soda? Did you walk to the bathroom today? You went for a walk! Guaranteed success everyday and when you're end goal is not actually losing weight, you win!
3. So top 3 on popular resolution lists is losing weight. Often thought of as related to the aforementioned resolution number 2, this doesn't actually have to be the case. Plus how many people are actually successful in losing weight? Why start out the new year guilting yourself into a body that will probably only be temporary anyway? Instead make your goal to gain no more than you wanted to lose! In this weight "loss" plan the idea is to try not to gain more than you were hoping to lose, i.e. if you wanted to drop 10 pounds keep your weight gain under 10 pounds. Okay you're not actually losing weight but at least your minimizing you're muffin top.
4. The fourth most popular resolution is to quit smoking. Being a non-smoker I can't really wrap my head around the difficulty that entails. I say instead of quitting smoking per se -I mean didn't your mother tell you not to be a quitter? - I say just hide it instead. Sneak out in the middle of the night and hide behind the dumpster, at work functions go into the non-smoking bathroom and tell lookey lou's that you are extinguishing a small fire that broke out in your stall, at your child's dance recital tell your daughter you were watching from a special tv in the parking lot as you enjoy your addiction of choice. Now you can focus the rest of your time on trying to figure out how to get rid of the yellow teeth, ashy hair, and lung cancer you'll inevitably get. Yea!
5. One that probably seems obvious and I think is incredibly vague that people put on their resolution lists is to Enjoy Life More. You know what I think is way more in right now? Let's bring back the whiney, self-loathing, emo thing. More entertaining for me to watch.
6. Always a popular one- quit drinking- I instead advise more of resolution number 4 - hide it. I mean who doesn't love a closet alcoholic?
7. Awwww, my personal favorite that falls at number 7 for most popular new years resolutions- get out of debt. Here I will pass along some sage advise that was passed on to be many years ago. This was at a time in my life when I obtained my first credit card and was paying college tuition. Don't worry about creditors (you can always change your phone number) or loan officers calling (you don't live at that address anymore) -keep spending! The plan here is to evade bill collectors until you die, and then guess what? You're kids have to deal with it, not you. You win!
8. Number 8 on peoples top new years resolutions is learn something new. This ones easy- learning something new takes effort- I say instead make this the Year of Non-Effort. Now you're off the hook!
9. Staying with our resolution of the Year of Non-Effort, number 9's "Help Others" is an easy one to avoid. If '09 is the year of non-effort then please follow these wise words "do for yourself what others might do for others." Or something like that.
10. Rounding out the top 10 list of resolutions is get organized. Obviously that doesn't fit in to a life-style of closet smoking and drinking, self-loathing and non-effort. So bag it and make this a list of 9 instead. Good Luck and Happy New Year!



3 comments:

Anonymous,  December 30, 2011 at 9:59 AM  

please sort out you're/your :(

Stevie December 30, 2011 at 11:00 AM  

Hi! Thanks for reading! We appreciate YOUR comments. I apologize for the you're/your mistakes from numbers 2 and 7. Now some updated (this blog was originally written in '09) advice for the New Year: This new year instead of grammar policing blogs, enjoy them! Thanks for commenting anonymously and for the unsmiley emoticon. Nice touch! Stevie

Amal Al Jabry UAE December 16, 2014 at 10:41 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.

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