>> Monday, January 26, 2009
I have lost my voice. Not physically, just mentally. It is the one thing that has made me proud. I have a voice; I have a point of view in my writing that is distinctive and unique. Now, I am not saying this voice is great, or even a blessing, but it is mine. And I have lost it. If you have read some of these blogs, and have also read some of my previous writings, you can notice the dullness of the language, the triteness of the words, and I hate it. And it is not just happening here, it is happening in my other writings too, my infamous novel that I will eventually finish, just after I figure out how to start it, is being affected too. I think this has all started out of fear. I have distanced myself from my words. Tried to stay objective. Because, people actually read this shit, and that means they are reading me, you know? That is scary. But it is a fear I have to tackle. So, I have to make this a little more personal, maybe I will find my voice in the mumbled secrets below.
(Even now, as I sit and gaze so long that my eyes narrow and relax so the screen becomes nothing but a blur, I cannot put down the honest word. But as I tossed awake last night, I could not stop writing this post on the inside of my fighting eyelids. Now, when it comes time, I draw blanks where the words should be.)
1. I fall asleep nearly every night with a movie playing. Last night was “The Wackness” (awesome movie by the way). I think I do this so my bed does not feel so empty. Not in a sad way, just an empty way.
2. I can throw and catch things with the best of them. I am often tossing whatever I have in my hands into the air in various ways that probably only seem challenging to me. If someone saw me throwing, lets say, a frying pan (yesterday) into the air, they would probably just think I am slightly retarded, or bored. But, I do it anyways, and I am damn good.
3. I am currently friendless. This is not by choice, but by decision. What's the difference? Well, there may not be much of a difference honestly, but it helps me feel better about things. I have not chosen to be friendless, but I have made decisions, both good and bad that have led me this way. I have made the decision to not allow bad people in my life, not to allow people who take advantage of me to keep pace. But I have also, made bad decisions that have pulled those I truly miss away from me. So, I did not choose to be alone, my decisions dictated my life.
4.I eat Cold Cereal like it is going to run out. Alcohol, chocolate, coffee, or Smarties , may be your vice. Mine is children’s cereal.
5. I wish she would not have lost the baby. I was not ready to be a father, nor were we good together as a couple, but everyday, I think about that baby and what could have been. Even more now.
6. I am afraid of letting my life become a fable, a story my sisters will tell their children about wasted potential.
7. I have to consciously remember to use contractions. I prefer “do not,” “cannot,” and “have not” over all the shorter manifestations. But I realize that this makes me seem pompous and arrogant in my writing, so I have to make the effort not to do it.
8. I cannot (see I did it there) solve the rubix cube, even if I cheat and find the algorithm online.
9. In the last 18 months, I have lost 60 pounds. In the last 6 of those 18 months, I have gained ten back. I have 50 more to lose.
10. Music is my escape. Above I listed that I sleep “nearly everynight” with a movie playing. Well, that is primarily true. Sometimes, however, when it is a movie I have either not seen, or if it is a movie I cannot help but watch, I have to click it off and toss on my iPod. I always have music playing. For example, I have my iPod on shuffle on a list I composed for research on an upcoming blog; (Songs that make you shut up and listen) “I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel (my sisters suggestion) is currently ruminating in the air.
11. I keep a beard to disguise my age. I do not think that facial hair is particularly attractive, nor do I think it is fashionable. But I have a true “You’ll be thankful when your 40” baby face. If I were to be clean shaven, not only would my chin disappear, but I would look ten years younger, literally.
12. I go to movies alone.
13. I lie about my height.
14. I love to wear the color pink and purple. Not so much because it blends well with my skin tones, but more so, because I can. You would be surprised how many men are afraid of color and how many women are put off by it.
15. My secret ambition, besides writing a novel, and not necessarily a successful one, just a published one would do just fine, is to learn how to play the harmonica and hammer dulcimer. Not at the same time.
16. I will sheepishly admit that I watch Nickelodeon/Disney/The N on a semi-regular basis. Brings me back to simpler times.
17. I leave my blankets untucked. This is a habit I used to hate. But sharing a bed changes your choices. Now I cannot sleep confined.
18. I have a horrid memory. I forgot my own mother’s birthday this year. Well not really. I thought I was calling on the correct day, but I need to pay better attention tot he calendar. Bastard of a son.
19. I think I know more then you. This is just who I am, and it can be irritating. This is something I realize about myself, but I am almost 30 and it is too late to change this. Call me out.
20. Music is my best friend. That is why so many of these lists are centered around the lyrical, it emotes the words I am afraid to articulate. But it also keeps me in a prison.
21. I want to move somewhere scary. And Eastern Washington and Alaska are not scary, just sucky.
22. I have an unnatural fear of pickles. Honestly.
23. I have three dream jobs I hope to achieve in this life time. One is Author. Obviously. Another is owner and operator of a Children’s Camp for creative minds. And the last thing I would love to do to be a music supervisor for a movie or TV show. I think I would be awesome at all three of these, and hope to achieve at least one.
24. I have not had sex in a year. But this is more choice rather than lack of options. Again, honestly.
25. I love singer songwriters. If my talent would have taken me that direction, I would have been a very happy man. Alas, it is not to be. Side note on this…. I believe that everyone is born with innate talent, engrained passions and abilities. Some of us harbor and foster these gifts, and some let the embers of creativity fade with age.
26. Translucent Cobalt Blue is my favorite color. And yes, translucent is not technically a color, it is an attribute. But you take cobalt, shine sunlight through, and see my face stretch to a smile.
27. I took a break from this list to see a Monday matinee of “Slumdog Millionaire” with my father. Yes, I go to movies with my father. And I am sure you are questioning that with a tone of jealousy rather then disdain. Oh, and the movie was quite amazing.
28. I have never smoked. Anything.
29. Alcohol scares me. I have no real reason for this. No family history, or horrific happenstance to instill this fear, but it is strong. I have learned that drinking does not mean drunk, but that has taken years to realize.
30. I love. Easy. Hard. Often. Too Often.