Let’s get personal.

>> Monday, January 26, 2009

I have lost my voice. Not physically, just mentally. It is the one thing that has made me proud. I have a voice; I have a point of view in my writing that is distinctive and unique. Now, I am not saying this voice is great, or even a blessing, but it is mine. And I have lost it. If you have read some of these blogs, and have also read some of my previous writings, you can notice the dullness of the language, the triteness of the words, and I hate it. And it is not just happening here, it is happening in my other writings too, my infamous novel that I will eventually finish, just after I figure out how to start it, is being affected too. I think this has all started out of fear. I have distanced myself from my words. Tried to stay objective. Because, people actually read this shit, and that means they are reading me, you know? That is scary. But it is a fear I have to tackle. So, I have to make this a little more personal, maybe I will find my voice in the mumbled secrets below.

30 things you did not know about Addi...

(Even now, as I sit and gaze so long that my eyes narrow and relax so the screen becomes nothing but a blur, I cannot put down the honest word. But as I tossed awake last night, I could not stop writing this post on the inside of my fighting eyelids. Now, when it comes time, I draw blanks where the words should be.)

1. I fall asleep nearly every night with a movie playing. Last night was “The Wackness” (awesome movie by the way). I think I do this so my bed does not feel so empty. Not in a sad way, just an empty way.

2. I can throw and catch things with the best of them. I am often tossing whatever I have in my hands into the air in various ways that probably only seem challenging to me. If someone saw me throwing, lets say, a frying pan (yesterday) into the air, they would probably just think I am slightly retarded, or bored. But, I do it anyways, and I am damn good.

3. I am currently friendless. This is not by choice, but by decision. What's the difference? Well, there may not be much of a difference honestly, but it helps me feel better about things. I have not chosen to be friendless, but I have made decisions, both good and bad that have led me this way. I have made the decision to not allow bad people in my life, not to allow people who take advantage of me to keep pace. But I have also, made bad decisions that have pulled those I truly miss away from me. So, I did not choose to be alone, my decisions dictated my life.

4.I eat Cold Cereal like it is going to run out. Alcohol, chocolate, coffee, or Smarties , may be your vice. Mine is children’s cereal.

5. I wish she would not have lost the baby. I was not ready to be a father, nor were we good together as a couple, but everyday, I think about that baby and what could have been. Even more now.

6. I am afraid of letting my life become a fable, a story my sisters will tell their children about wasted potential.

7. I have to consciously remember to use contractions. I prefer “do not,” “cannot,” and “have not” over all the shorter manifestations. But I realize that this makes me seem pompous and arrogant in my writing, so I have to make the effort not to do it.

8. I cannot (see I did it there) solve the rubix cube, even if I cheat and find the algorithm online.

9. In the last 18 months, I have lost 60 pounds. In the last 6 of those 18 months, I have gained ten back. I have 50 more to lose.

10. Music is my escape. Above I listed that I sleep “nearly everynight” with a movie playing. Well, that is primarily true. Sometimes, however, when it is a movie I have either not seen, or if it is a movie I cannot help but watch, I have to click it off and toss on my iPod. I always have music playing. For example, I have my iPod on shuffle on a list I composed for research on an upcoming blog; (Songs that make you shut up and listen) “I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel (my sisters suggestion) is currently ruminating in the air.

11. I keep a beard to disguise my age. I do not think that facial hair is particularly attractive, nor do I think it is fashionable. But I have a true “You’ll be thankful when your 40” baby face. If I were to be clean shaven, not only would my chin disappear, but I would look ten years younger, literally.

12. I go to movies alone.

13. I lie about my height.

14. I love to wear the color pink and purple. Not so much because it blends well with my skin tones, but more so, because I can. You would be surprised how many men are afraid of color and how many women are put off by it.

15. My secret ambition, besides writing a novel, and not necessarily a successful one, just a published one would do just fine, is to learn how to play the harmonica and hammer dulcimer. Not at the same time.

16. I will sheepishly admit that I watch Nickelodeon/Disney/The N on a semi-regular basis. Brings me back to simpler times.

17. I leave my blankets untucked. This is a habit I used to hate. But sharing a bed changes your choices. Now I cannot sleep confined.

18. I have a horrid memory. I forgot my own mother’s birthday this year. Well not really. I thought I was calling on the correct day, but I need to pay better attention tot he calendar. Bastard of a son.

19. I think I know more then you. This is just who I am, and it can be irritating. This is something I realize about myself, but I am almost 30 and it is too late to change this. Call me out.

20. Music is my best friend. That is why so many of these lists are centered around the lyrical, it emotes the words I am afraid to articulate. But it also keeps me in a prison.

21. I want to move somewhere scary. And Eastern Washington and Alaska are not scary, just sucky.

22. I have an unnatural fear of pickles. Honestly.

23. I have three dream jobs I hope to achieve in this life time. One is Author. Obviously. Another is owner and operator of a Children’s Camp for creative minds. And the last thing I would love to do to be a music supervisor for a movie or TV show. I think I would be awesome at all three of these, and hope to achieve at least one.

24. I have not had sex in a year. But this is more choice rather than lack of options. Again, honestly.

25. I love singer songwriters. If my talent would have taken me that direction, I would have been a very happy man. Alas, it is not to be. Side note on this…. I believe that everyone is born with innate talent, engrained passions and abilities. Some of us harbor and foster these gifts, and some let the embers of creativity fade with age.

26. Translucent Cobalt Blue is my favorite color. And yes, translucent is not technically a color, it is an attribute. But you take cobalt, shine sunlight through, and see my face stretch to a smile.

27. I took a break from this list to see a Monday matinee of “Slumdog Millionaire” with my father. Yes, I go to movies with my father. And I am sure you are questioning that with a tone of jealousy rather then disdain. Oh, and the movie was quite amazing.

28. I have never smoked. Anything.

29. Alcohol scares me. I have no real reason for this. No family history, or horrific happenstance to instill this fear, but it is strong. I have learned that drinking does not mean drunk, but that has taken years to realize.

30. I love. Easy. Hard. Often. Too Often.


Stevie January 26, 2009 at 7:54 PM  

I think I have earned my right to comment on your list. Not to mention the fact that you have put it out there for people to disect which I think is great... however, I'm not sure you intentionally meant some of the things you said...
1) When that bed is meant to be filled it will be. That will happen when you fill yourself first.
2)You've always been great at basketball.
3)Ouch...again and again and again and again...
4)I eat cereal like a nut- Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Captain Crunch- love it.
5) Yes, I know you feel that way but I sometimes wonder if you just need something to love. When that time is right it will be SO right.
6) Well then LIVE.
7) yes you have problems with contractions- they're not your enemy though I suppose it's a choice. Or it is a choice.
8)I've solved a Rubix cube but don't understand those new ones they're pimping out now.
9) I'd like to lose 20 so we'll see who can win first.
10) I admire each and every one of your music blogs.
11)I teach elementary school because one, my passion is in early childhood literacy and two because I don't want to wear the same clothes as my students. Lol.
12) Never been to a movie alone but decided this year it was okay.
13) I'm the American Average height which is fine for me because I'm also Drew Barrymore's life.
14) I hate that I can't wear pink now with my red hair. Annoying.
15) My secret ambitions have Also been to write a novel (half done) and learn the harmonica (ironic) and also to be someones very best friend.
16) I used to play Neopets. Hee hee.
17) I never make my bed. Ever.
18) I've never forgotten my mom's birthday. That's rough for me.
19) I know you don't know more THAN me because you don't use the proper use of then and than- natch!
20) I really truly do turn on my iPod and just walk around thinking I'm the only person in the world.
21) I've moved somewhere scary. Now scary is moving back.
22) I love dill pickles. Love 'em
23) Hmmm... I think I've found a great career - and I love working with an under-served community.
24) I'm not having a baby this year. Even if EVERY single other person is.
25) I've never been musically inclined even though I've tried out several instruments and choir and whatever. Maybe that's why I married a musician?
26) Cobalt blue like that (i.e. on glasses) is my dad's favorite too. I love silver.
27) I love your dad.
28) I'm anti smoking duh.
29) Drinking used to scare me but I had to take hold of my fears and work through them. I refuse to live a life scared.
30) I love. Too Much. At Risk. Mostly worth it.

Addi January 27, 2009 at 12:44 AM  

Wow, that is one hell of a comment. I would like to rebuttal a couple of your points.

To item number 19. you are correct, i often misuse "than vs. then" i know this fault, however, instead of correcting it, i wrote a very compelling argument in my Technical Writing class about how "Than" is going to be obsolete in a few years. Then we will see who is right. lol. However, i also often say "Should of" instead of "Should have" so maybe I am just retarded.

Per number 20. Do you sing in this world of yours? and could Ky video tape this happening?

As to point 9. you will win in the weight loss battle, i have plateaued. and starving myself just does not seem smart anymore.

About #5. I do not want to love right now. I feel like i am actually figuring my shit out. i wish it could have happened earlier, but at least i am grasping now.

yeah, number 24, you just jinxed yourself.

and about number 3. I was not talking about you at all. but you are 2,872 miles away. and it would take me 38 days and 11 hours to walk there, according to google. (awesome feature btw. lol) So, i was not thinking of you when i wrote that one. Sorry if it hurt your feelers.

Post a Comment